Welcome to 2018! I've started the year off right by signing up for Amazon Prime to have a whole slew of new movies and TV shows to watch... and yet I chose to watch the post apocalyptic horror movie Tear Me Apart. It's real bad, y'all.
Our story takes place in a post apocalyptic world where - I think - the major event that happened that ruined everything was that all the women died. Or maybe they died as a result of whatever event happened that ended the world? It's unclear! Not familiar with women? The voice-over narration is here to assist: "they're like us, but different," explains one of our two main characters, an older teenager who was an infant when the world went to shit (so he's basically a wild child). He and his brother live on a pretty beach and spend their days fishing and hunting while they wait for their father to come back, but they kind of suck at both of those things, so they are starving. Also, apparently they don't understand that fruits and vegetables are a thing they can eat - at one point the younger brother gets a hold of an apple, the older brother (who is supposed to be the smart one?) tells him not to eat it because it'll make him sick, then he chucks it into the ocean. Naturally, with nothing left to eat, the wild child brother starts eating people, which is a BIG no-no according the the rules set forth by Father. Oh and Father? He's been gone for NINE YEARS. Anyway one day, everything changes when they meet a girl, possibly the last one left in existence. Exciting, right? WRONG! This movie sucks. Oh, and if this review gets confusing because I don't refer to any character by name, well, I'll let the older brother explain that one: "We don't have names, not until the old world returns." ...ugh.
Okay, I'll pause for a second because I realize I've been harsh and will probably only get meaner, so I'll throw in a compliment here - the acting is NOT bad... I mean, considering that the characters barely say anything, and the things they do say are dumb and the characters' motivations don't make any sense... I'm saying the actors are doing their best to polish this turd into a diamond, so I'll give them some props for that. Okay back to the review.
The worst thing about this movie, by far, is the editing. It is a MESS. I have no idea what's going on most of the time because things repeat, and jump around, and I'm not someone who needs things spoon fed to me but this is not only nonsensical, but really distracting. I mean, one minute the two brothers are after some guy who stole matches from their cave, then one gets hit in the head while the other one runs off after the guy - the one who gets hit gets helped by some unseen person, meanwhile the younger one who went after the guy comes across the aforementioned girl instead (who is topless at the time, obviously, cause why not). Later, the brothers reconvene at their cave, and somehow the girl is already there, just chillin' (until they unnecessarily grab her and tie her up)? And she mentions being the one who helped the bro with the head injury? Oh but now she is their captive, and suddenly she's their bait so they can catch people to eat - yeah, Older Brother flip flopped on cannibalism, but is still anti-apple. SOME PEOPLE. I don't know if this is on purpose - like the filmmakers wanted the audience to feel disoriented while watching because the characters probably do... but I suspect I'm probably putting more thought into any of this than they did. Actually this editing is making the movie unwatchable.
Bottom line: I started writing this review when I was about ten minutes into this movie, figuring I'd write it as I watched, but I can't finish it. Can't do it. It's only an hour and a half long but it feels like I've been watching for hours, so I'm calling it. Two thumbs down from me! Since I am not actually watching the full movie, feel free to dismiss this review out of hand - but don't say I didn't warn you!
UPDATE: I lied and kept watching for some reason. It doesn't get any better! They do explain the apple thing (having only eaten people and fish for twelve years means the younger brother can't process fruit anymore... uhh okay), but the movie just keeps right on sucking. DON'T BOTHER!
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